Describing the World One Struggle at a Time

Hello,

            Yet again, I turn to the blog during a time of continual mental thought. I guess this is just my way of sorting all of my mental thoughts, although they seem very scattered at the moment. I cannot promise any order. This is more of a process in which, I tell my story over the past couple months, maybe even years depending on how I feel. Where to begin is the real question? Should I venture into my past or focus on the current? 

            Currently, I am staring at my laptop wondering what the hell I should discuss or where to start for that matter. The past couple months have been one hell of a ride to say the least. Within three months, I have managed to get in and out of a relationship, be completely torn down, face a family cancer scare and stand up for not only myself but others as well. Sounds like an exciting time for a struggling college student right? That's the thing though, even when the worst shit hits the fan, I can stand back up. It might take me some time, but at least I stand back up. These past couple months were different than most though. I am not one to ask for help during times of need or struggle, but I hit my breaking point. I had been so over whelmed with emotions that my shiny armor cracked a bit.

             Only a few individuals will understand this next statement, but I am sure if you are new to the blog you will catch the analogy eventually. I am a rock to many individuals and my job is to be strong during times of need and to essentially protect the flower. Anyone I come across is provided with my rock like abilities. The only rule is I care until you give me a reason not to care. I think that is pretty reasonable if you want my opinion, but hey that is just me. Anyways these individuals that I am their rock depend on me when they struggle. This in turn means that I push my struggles to the back burner in order to help them with their struggles. For all you flowers out there, you need to realize two things. One you are not being a burden to me, if that was the case I would not be your rock. Two, I put this expectation of being a rock to everyone on myself. It is my choice and I am perfectly happy with this choice. I would rather be a rock for everyone and care for them during their struggles, then deal with my own. It is just my own way of coping with life. I have come to accept it. With this being said, I bear the issues and struggles of more than one person at a time. Although I bear the struggles of others as well as my own, I was finally dealt a hand of personal struggle as well as outside struggle that I could not handle all at once. Maybe if I were dealt them separately I could have managed, but dealt altogether I was bound to fall apart. At that moment, I felt like everyone was watching and waiting to see how many blows I could take before the struggles got the best of me. I guess there is a limit to how much weight the rock and bear before it falls apart.

            The struggles in which I helped others, I must lack in certain detail. They have a right to their privacy and it is not my place to air out their personal struggles across the internet. So please bear with me for this next part. Over the past three months, I came across and individual who I had known for quite some time. I had not talked to them conversation wise in months, but for some reason we had gotten back in touch. We began to talk consistently. The more we talked the more information we learned about one another, which we had not previously known. Surprisingly we functioned quite the same when it came to our friends. We often put our feelings aside in order to care for others, rock status. That is just the way we worked. In all honesty, it was nice to come across someone who was very similar to me. This individual later faced a personal struggle, which opened my eyes to the concept of being a rock. Sometimes we are so busy trying to be a rock for others, that we forget we need a rock along the line as well. This individual in my eyes is strong for what they have been through in recent months. I actually think quite highly of them, although they may not feel so strong right now. So when all else fails I will continue to be their rock, because we all need someone now and then to pick us up and brush us off. Things might not be okay right now, but they will get better over time. Just keep on keeping on. 

             My personal struggles on the other hand included my mother's cancer scare, my relationship and work. Cancer Scare: To put this into perspective, my mother is my entire world. I would not be the person that stands before you, if it was not for her. She is the one who has created the loyal rock that individuals turn to, because like me she is in fact a rock too. We also share the tendency to keep to ourselves, because we do not wish to burden others with our struggles. I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree. That being said, my mother did not intend on informing me of her recently found lump in her breast. She figured she would refrain from telling me, because I had other things to worry about. Too bad, I am extreme persistent and stubborn. She eventually caved and told me of the recent news, while sobbing in tears. Me, being the individual that I am.....freaked out mentally, but choked back my tears as not to alarm my mother. At that moment she needed someone to be strong for her during a vulnerable time. When I pulled my phone from my face, I began to quietly cry.  My entire world had been turned upside down, my mother was talking of what ifs and that she was scared. I remembering grabbing my coat and running out of my room. Although I had nowhere to go, I knew that I could not stay there for fear that I would completely break down. For the next month, I awaited the news and hoped that it was good. In the back of my mind, I could not help thinking about every possible outcome imaginable. My mind was constantly running twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I am usually quite good at hiding my emotions from my friends, but now I was a complete open book to them. They could see the worry plastered across my face. The one person they knew to be so strong and rock like had cracked a little for all to see. The worst part of the entire situation was the fact that I had not been home for months and that I would not be able to make it home until Thanksgiving break. Two days before Thanksgiving break, my mother informed me that the results had come in. She said that the doctor had not found anything that could be cancerous and that she was in the clear. I just remember sitting there in awe and completely stunned. My mother was okay......I had to tell myself to breathe at one point. All I knew, she was okay....   

            Relationship: I thought I knew what I wanted plain and simple. I thought she would be the girl that changed it all. Now do not get me wrong, the girl that I had been dating was an amazing girlfriend. She wrote me cute little post it notes, kissed me sweetly, supported me, and simply adored me, what more could I have asked for right? Our entire relationship had been based on honesty and talking. We talked, even if the other one did not want to hear what we had to say. I guess that is what you get when you put to stubborn Scorpios together. Talking was new for me, like I said before I am not much for talking when it came to struggles. At first, I was refrained from talking about anything struggle wise with her. She had enough on her plate, but like me she was very persistent. Gradually I began to talk to her about struggles, which including my mother's little scare. To others our relationship seemed ideal, but to me it seemed as though I was held on a pedestal. I felt like I had to keep our relationship going for two reasons. One being that this girl was pretty amazing and she cared so much about me. Two, I simply do not like to disappoint or harm others in any way, shape or form. I could not bare to hurt this poor girl, even though I felt like my feelings had not developed as strong as hers. I tore myself apart, before I got up the nerve to tell her how I felt. When all was said and done, I felt like I had completely crushed her as well as myself. To see so much pain in a individual's face killed me. My mind was telling me that this was the right thing to do, while my heart was screaming at me to take her pain away. I was at a complete loss. Do I push my own feelings aside or do I stand by my decision?  I again turned to my friend and family in order to guide me in the right direction. Their grand life advice; "life hurts sometimes, but you have to man up to your decisions", "love takes time", "You cannot sacrifice your feelings in order to make someone else happy." What I took from the whole situation was the fact that sometimes we have to be a little selfish and not settle until our standards are met. Sometimes we just have to man up and say this is not what I want and keep searching, because we should not settle for any less than we think we deserve.  There are how many people in this world.....too many, but one of them has to be the right one for me at some point. 

            Working Where I Live: Unlike a typical job, community advisors are individuals who are forced to live where they work. In all honesty, I feel as though this is a constant battle for anyone willing to take on this position in the first place. We as community advisor are held to a standard of professionalism twenty-four hours a day seven days week. This expectation can be quite tiresome and cause massive amounts of stress, if you are unable to separate your work life from your home life. Now I know you may be asking yourself, how do I manage to separate work from home, if I am constantly living where I work? I might not have an exact answer for you at the moment because I am still trying to figure it out myself, but I can tell you how I am currently trying to manage the situation.

            First off, I like to keep my personal life separate from my work life. I believe that it is very important to maintain a balance between both work and home. That being said, it is quite difficult for a community advisor to separate the two, because they are constantly working where they live. For me, I tend not to talk about my personal life with fellow staff members. Although this may seem like I am not opening up, I feel as though it is necessary to refrain from talking about my personal life with other staff members, because I do not want to be a part of gossip talk while at work. I do not need fellow staff members to know everything that is currently taking place in my life, if I so choose I will disclose certain information as I please. Another reason I believe it is important to keep work life separate from home life, is the fact that individuals need time away from work to unwind. This can be problematic, because residents assume you are working twenty four hours a day. The only way I can describe a community advisor job, would be like the job of a doctor. We are constantly on call plain and simple. The way in which I cope with unwinding, is the fact that I need to leave the building during certain periods. There comes a point where I cannot stand to be in my own “home”, because of the demands of professionalism asked of me at all times.  This can pose a problem, one because I do not always have other places to go and two, because home is supposed to be the place where I am able to unwind, yet I work where I live. I have learned that I have limits for the amount of time I can manage to be in the building. If I feel as though I have spent too much time in the build, I head off to a different building to socialize elsewhere. This is just one way of many in how I manage to unwind from my busy lifestyle. Although it is quite difficult to live where I work, I am currently managing in my own ways. My current situation of living where I work is something that I will continue to learn from. As for now, I will manage to the best of my ability. 

            Well I guess I felt the need to be an open book today. These struggles that have taken place were life altering. Each struggle created their own bit of information that I must take in order to continue my current life. I have learned that things happen for a reason and that reason may seem shitty at the time, but it has something to offer at the end of the day. My shiny armor cracked to allow me to understand that I myself am human. I have feelings and emotions just like the individuals I care about. The untouchable rock that I once thought I was is quite touchable given certain circumstances. I am allowed to ask for help and cry even though I am a rock. If the rock does not function, how the flowers will continue to be protected and grow. Life is a constant struggle and it is often times hard, but that does not mean it is not worth living.